Duck Dynasty Fiasco

I'm going to go way off-topic to vent here:

The Duck Dynasty fiasco....yeah, I've heard about that one.  Yes, Phil has the "freedom of speech."  No one is taking that away from him.  Just like A&E has the freedom not to use that speech on their network.  He can say what he wants, where he wants, when he wants.  A&E chooses what to air.  Just like PBS could choose what to air when a lesbian couple tried to do "Postcards from Buster" and it never aired.  Seriously, youtube it.  It happened.  Networks can air what they like, which is whatever supports the view of the network.  Phil is not only entitled to his opinion, he's entitled to say it when he likes, where he likes, and how he likes.  He's not entitled to be broadcasted by people who don't share that view.

But never fret!  Duck Dynasty is getting more support than ever over this, and I'm sure they'll be doing fine for years to come based on the continuous use of constant controversy.

It's just not hypocritical of a station to say, "We support this view," and then not air someone blatantly going against it.  That's the opposite of hypocrisy, actually.  They don't want or need a balanced view because, not only have they made up their minds, they're not interested in changing it.

It's a lot like how churches are defrocking a man for officiating a gay marriage, actually.  The church doesn't want it in the church, and that's not something they're going to negotiate.  And they don't have to.  They shouldn't have to.  Boy Scouts didn't allow gays for many years, and I truly believe that the eventual folding was due to societal pressure.  But that pressure was wrong.  Scouts shouldn't have to include those that they don't want to include.  Like it or not, it's a private club for people of like minds.  These private organizations go both ways with their rules, for and against LGBT.

Whether I personally agree with the decisions of the organizations one way or the other isn't relevant.  I would love for Scouts and churches to welcome members of the LGBT community with open arms, and I think it'd make a huge statement about Christian love (especially in the churches).  But I have to remember: They have the right to do things their way.  I'm sorry their way isn't your way, but their way is obviously working for them.

And to the "Christian Soldiers" who are bombarding my facebook newsfeed: You protesting just gets them MORE publicity, gets MORE people into the show ("Who is this wonderful Christian tv family?"), and makes them more money.  The only bad publicity is no publicity.  A&E as well as the Duck Dynasty family are going to make money hand-over-fist over this "suspension."  That's why it's a suspension.  They don't look as if they're caving in to bring him back.  They're making all the money, looking like a strong moral authority on tolerance and fairness, and winning back the Christian audience by looking as if they're giving in later.  If you really want to make a statement, turn off the tv and stop buying the merchandise that the family doesn't make themselves (magazines, full seasons of the show, episodes on itunes, anything produced, endorsed, or marketed by A&E).

And please, stop quoting Leviticus at me.  I guarantee anyone who gets huffy at this letter has broken at least 5 of the rules within that book.  Follow all or none, please and thank you.

If you're curious: I support LGBT.  I also support the right of individual (non-government regulated or funded) groups to do as they please with their super secret club rules, even the exclusionary ones.

Oh Abby!

Recently, a Dear Abby letter caught my attention:

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to protest something that has made shopping increasingly frustrating. I'm referring to rude people who cut in ahead of customers who have been standing in line when the clerk calls out, "Next, please."

I place the responsibility solely on store management to ensure that lines move smoothly and fairly. Stores that have such arrangements are more likely to get my business. Management must empower clerks to insist on fairness in this regard. I have seen too many weak salespeople accept whoever rushes forward first.

I'm sure that many other readers have experienced the same frustration I have. If you print this, I promise I will copy it and send it to the store management where I've had these experiences. Abby, this would be a great service to shoppers and would make shopping much more pleasant for everyone. -- AVERAGE SHOPPER, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR AVERAGE SHOPPER: Unfortunately, most cashiers are usually so preoccupied with ringing up or scanning and bagging the purchases that they can't concern themselves with the occasional line-jumper. Therefore, it's up to you to assert yourself by saying firmly, "Excuse me, but I was next in line" when someone steps in front of you.

I admit it, I'm addicted to her column.

   Oh, Abby!  If only that were the case!  Often times, cashiers not only notice line jumpers, but we DO concern ourselves with them.  Allow me set the record straight as it is according to the company I work for.

Our store encourages the cashiers to take the person from the back of the line, rather than the front.  For example, if the open register is backed up and I open a new one, I absolutely have to take the person at the end of that line, or as close to it as possible.  Sometimes, people are kind, and will allow the person that was already ahead of them to move over.  Actually, I take that back.  Most of the time, people are kind that way.  But we, as cashiers, are not allowed to "concern ourselves" with the jumpers.  If someone gets angry and makes a scene in the store, the only result is that everyone else feels awkward.

Oh look, they cited it for me!

This policy is in place because, oftentimes, the next person in line has already started or completed the unloading of their groceries.  It's also in place because moving a person out of one line and into the next one when the cash registers are turned the same way and against one another can be difficult and unwieldy work. It's just easier to move the last person in line rather than try to rearrange everyone in the line at the same time. 

Yeah, you tell her to put all that back in her buggy and move.

If someone does jump, we can say nothing about it.  We are gagged by the store's policies.

And another thing:  The reason cashiers say, "Next, please!" is because we KNOW people jump the lines.  If I was to point at someone and say, "Please step over to the next line so I can take care of you," someone will have inevitably beaten them to the line and cause even more frustration to the customer that has just given up their place in line to move.  Once again, when this happens, we aren't allowed to ask people to move away.  We avoid this by simply saying that we can take the next person.  This forces customers to make the choice about who is next, because we get sick of dealing with people who are angry about waiting and blaming us for it.

Come on, Abby and Average Shopper.  Cashiers are not out to get you, we are not out to ignore your wants and needs as a customer, and we are not simply "weak" about saying something to the rude person who cut you off in line.  We try to get everyone out of the store as quickly as possible so that we can help each person in a timely manner, but we would lose our jobs if we did more than simply notice the wrongdoings of the customers.  We are concerning ourselves with the problem, we are bothered by it, we are just unable to do anything about it.

On the other hand, thanks for telling the customer to take the problem into her own hands.  We always feel a slight thrill of victory when this happens, as if the customer standing up for his or her right to be there is a way to get back at the rudeness we see all the time.


Find the full 6/20/2012 letter here.

My "Pepper Allergy"

I'd like to share one of my personal victories that I've had since being behind the customer service counter.  First of all, I'd like to state that my customer service is typically pretty good, even on a bad day.  I only turn into a brunette version of the Vancome Lady (played by a wonderfully talented Nicole Sullivan) when I'm hungry.  Or sleepy.  Or annoyed.  Or whatever.

Go ahead, look her up - I'll wait.

I put up with a lot of shit.  When people are sent to me, they're typically already angry and I'm just cleaning up the mess.

On this particular day, I started out in a pretty good mood.  Of course, this means that I'm going to get the biggest assholes.

A man walked into the store with his maybe 12-year-old kid.  I don't know if this man had issues with himself, or just wanted to be a dick in front of his kid.  Either way, he walks in unwrapping something in a produce bag.

These are badass dads.  Picking on a girl at a customer service counter does not make you one of them.

Once he got close enough to me, he unwrapped it fully and plopped the gooey mess in my hand.  It was a rotten, cut open pepper.  He just dropped the whole sticky disgusting mess right in my hand.  The smell itself was enough to burn the inside of my nose.  Peppers as a whole, even un-rotten ones, disgust me: the smell, the taste, even the texture.  Because of this, I immediately just dropped the pepper on the counter and dove for my Sani-hands wipes.

This, but more open and more slime.

While scrubbing my hands, I realized I was scrubbing so hard that they were turning red.  I got an evil plan.

I stood back up and showed the customer my hands.  I said, "You'll have to excuse me, I have a slight allergy."

He started stammering apologies while I processed his refund, and even made a point to apologize again before he left the store.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Act like a douche, prepare to feel like a bitch.

Thief!

I stopped a thief the other day.

This woman is a longtime customer with an annoying child.  Both are trashy, but the woman is constantly stealing things while letting her child wander the store causing trouble.

No caption required.

On this particular day, she went through the self-checkouts.  After pestering me several times to help her do things that she's done a hundred times (she always uses self-checkout), she forced me to stop what I was doing and proceeded to tell me that the machine wasn't registering the money she'd put in.

We hate these too.  I promise.

I'm going to be bluntly honest, I've fallen for this a time or two.  She's pretty good at spotting the machines that are being glitchy that day and going to them.  Unfortunately for her, once I count everything up that night, I know damn well why things are off.  This time around, she tried to tell me that she'd put a 20 into the machine and it wasn't registering it.  So I popped the machine open and had a look for myself.

The most recent bill accepted wasn't a 20.  It was a 5 dollar bill.  And Smirky McBitch knew it.

I don't know her name.  That's her name now.

Hi!  My name is Smirky McBitch, and I'll be your crook today!

I smiled and shut the machine.  I told her that the most recent bill wasn't a 20 and she must be mistaken.  She starts asking her twit of a child if he'd taken it, what must've happened, oh lord, what horrible mistakes we're making to not believe her.....so I get my direct supervisor, Ellen.

Who is a total badass.

As soon as the thief saw saw her, the woman changed her tune, asking me if the bill was a 5 and insisting that she, not I, must have been mistaken.  Talking to Ellen later, turns out that she's already threatened this woman with a ban before because of her thieving antics.

Now the thief knows I'm on to her too.  Maybe she won't cause as much trouble next time.  Maybe she'll take her ugly child to another store to rob.

Yeah, I said it.  Kid's fugly.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Ever get into a fight at the grocery store?  Even a small argument will do.

If you said no, you're probably a liar.  Go to the corner and think about what you've done.

Customers are constantly getting into it with each other.  But like most mothers say, it's how you handle that frustration and anger that makes all the difference.

I say that you do something about it.*

• Standing in line and someone won't get off their phone?  Do like a customer that is still near and dear to my heart, even though I have no idea who they are.  Scream "heelllllllllooooo" at them in order to get their attention and gesture wildly at how rude they're being by not finishing their order.  I'm not allowed to, even though I've wanted to.
• Someone cut in front of you in the line?  Punch that bitch in the face.
• The person ahead of you can't figure out how much she has on her EBT card before she held you up for an hour while they rang up $300 worth of groceries?  Also punch that bitch in the face.  Then make her eat everything she grabbed.  It's like smoking; you gotta catch this kind of behavior early.
• You see someone stealing?  Don't tell the staff.  We can do almost absolutely nothing about it unless we follow very specific rules.  Which means we typically can do nothing about it.  Call them on it.  Throw their stuff on the ground and stomp it until the stolen merchandise is retrieved.
• Someone getting too close to your buggy to look at your baby?  Tell them off.  I see some people get creepy close and even I want to say something.  Too bad I can't unless I see them actually taking your kid.

In the end, it's just one more way a faceless customer is just a little bit more interesting.

*Disclaimer:  For legal reasons, I'm supposed to mention that you really shouldn't do anything I suggest beyond this point.  Besides, if you end up in court for assault, "the internet made me do it" probably won't buy you any brownie points.

After 2 Years Away...

So I've been promoted.

Should be a good thing, right?

Not so much.

The pay is better, and I don't have to do some of the regular chores.  That's always nice.  But I work directly with an incompetent person who, through a combination of well-placed ass-kissing and well-timed/well-hidden tantrums at lower staff, has managed to convince corporate that she deserves certain titles and accolades.  It takes a lot of work to do my own job, let alone hers.

If you're asking if this is you, it's probably you.

But for the most part, that's all coming from one douchenozzle of a person.  This person, we'll call her Eliza, spends all day chattering on the phones and openly admits to ignoring work, even going as far as throwing a screaming fit when forced to wait on a customer.
 

You had to help how many people today?  Poor baby.

 Then there's the customers themselves.  When people come to customer service, typically, they're already angry or just want some lotto.  Lotto is easy, and for the most part, I can solve the anger issues pretty quickly and smoothly as well.  I guess that's why I got the job.  But some things are out of my control.

Please understand that when I can't solve your problems, or give you a massive discount because you misread the sign, it's not because I hate you.  That's only a sidenote.  It's typically because I simply can't.  Don't like it?  Call corporate.  Or even my manager.  They'll side with me.

If you don't like the price of an item, I do care to hear your complaints.  It's what I'm here for.  But I cannot, no matter how hard you demand, walk over and mark it down myself.  If you tell me that another big chain *cough* Wal-Mart *cough* is cheaper, I'm going to suggest the best route there.

You have plenty of options!

On that note, don't hand me fake checks and/or fake money.  We are trained to spot this, and even if we weren't, we touch and see more bills every single day than you will see in your entire lifetime unless your last name is Hilton.  I know what's fake and what's real at a glance.  For some of the poorer examples I've come across, I could do it blindfolded based on how it feels.  Fake coupons suck too, and all three could cost me my job just because you don't want to pay full price for Febreeze.

Sweet, sweet Febreeze.

My new job entails bossing around and rearranging cashiers.  Some are slower than others, so if I tell you that a line with two people will be faster than the line with one, trust me on that.  I know how my people operate and I truly am trying to get rid of you as fast as possible.


For the record, I rotate the sucky job (I can think of one in particular).  We do this so as not to pick on anyone, despite speed.  

I try not to let it be me.  -.-;

If you ask me if something is in the back....probably not.  If I think there's a legitimate chance of it being there, I'll check for you 9 out of 10 times.  If I tell you there's nothing there and you insist, or if you ask rudely, I'm going to just go stand around and joke with the staff in the breakroom til I think you're done being an asshole.  We don't stock a lot of major things ourselves, so I can tell you immediately if we have them.

If I get a call for help while I already have 5 customers in line, I try to make time to get the person that called me too.  It might not be immediate, and will probably put the person in line on hold for two minutes.  Thus far, I have been fortunate with sweet people willing to wait a moment for their tickets.  These rare gems of people will forever have my gratitude and always receive a warm welcome when they come in.  Those that get angry that I'm not AT THE DESK ready to serve their demands when they first walk in the door get their patience tested.  I can make the wait much longer than it ever needs to be.

The new job is hard work, as it requires a lot of general tolerance and patience. 

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Treat me like a goddamn human being.  I might just respond in kind.

Common Sense....What's That?

I'm in a bit of a rant/rage mood at the moment, and I'd like to share a few things.  Just a few ground rules.  I don't know why they aren't common sense, but these have proven necessary to establish.

1. DO NOT TOUCH ME.

2. Don't ask for my number.  You aren't getting it.

3. Do not ask me to get into a fight.  I don't know you, and I don't want to randomly fight you.  Besides, if we did, I bite, scratch, spit, pull hair, and kick for the groin.

4. If your kid says they have to go, take them NOW.

5. If you want to get mad at me to the point of leaving because I don't have your poptarts, oh well.  One less person I have to deal with next time around.

6. Do not ask me to keep your stuff safe for you for more than five minutes without purchasing, or it will be put back, and you will be responsible for getting it all again.

7. Don't hand me a wet discount card and tell me it's "butt sweat."  It's your food I'm touching, so it's really a lose/lose situation.

8. WE HATE THOSE ELECTRONIC CHICKEN THINGS THAT DANCE AND SING.  LEAVE THEM ALONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Screw you.

9. I'm not the only one responsible for remembering your discount card, despite what they may say.  If you forget it and act angry at me, "there's nothing I can do."  If you're nice about it and share responsibility, I'll take that hit on my job and tell you how to fix it.

10. I don't mind people with disabilities.  I'm happy to help however I can, even if it's carrying groceries to your car.  But I do NOT appreciate people treating me like I did badly for not taking care of them before helping the sweet old lady.  Get over it, I have priorities.

11. If you see me running more than one machine at the same time (self checkouts), they're randomly breaking and shutting down, and you tell me that you need me to ring up your stuff FOR you when you CHOSE to come to a self-checkout, you go to the bottom of my to-do list.

I'm sorry I'm a little grumpy about these, but most of them seem like common sense.  Just be a little nicer to me, cause I have to be nice to you.  Most of the time.